I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety this pregnancy. It's been hard to pinpoint why. Sure, the daily stresses of handling a toddler, balancing the budget, paying bills (so many bills), getting it all done, and trying to take care of myself add up, but I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard time, struggling to catch my breath all day long. Then today I cried...a lot. I don't cry in the primal sense a lot...I cry at things like cute videos and heartwarming stories, but not that bubbling up from the pit of your stomach emotional crying that's raw and real, but today it came.
A lot of people have said to me, in an effort to be comforting, "Don't worry, Gracie won't even remember a time when it was just her..." I totally and completely get why people say that, and on some levels it's a wonderful thing, but it also makes me so sad. For the past nineteen months we have poured our heart and soul into this sweet little miracle we never knew would come into our lives. We have watched her grow, roll over, cry, sleep, not sleep, struggle, succeed, laugh, belly laugh, crawl, walk, sprint, smile, splash, tumble, act goofy, and all around be the most impressive and amazing accomplishment of our lives.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't always beautiful. There were so many times we were so sleep deprived and delirious, or frustrated, or just wistful for the time when time was ours and ours alone. We could go to a movie whenever we wanted, or eat at a restaurant without having to get it boxed up immediately due to an epic meltdown. Oh, and we really miss sleeping in...wow.
But just like everyone with children says, even though you may not believe them, it's so worth it, which is why right now I'm so sad. I know that once our new little bundle of joy arrives all of this hypothetical worrying will disappear, but for now it's raw and real, and so I just want my sweet Gracie to know how special these past nineteen months have been.
Grace...
Sometimes I wake up and stare at the monitor, willing you to wake up because I miss you. We can't wait to come in and greet you in the morning, because you pop up like "Hello, world!" We love it when you sing us awake in the morning.
We have been on so many adventures since you started toddling. We are so impressed when you instinctively reach up for our hands when we get near the street. We love how you always seem to have a plan, and you think maybe we don't know you're steering us towards the park, again. :)
We love hearing you giggle and squeal when you're on the swings. We love it when you jump off your Mickey chair into our arms, and grab your belly and scream in delight.
I have had so much fun doing swimming and gymnastics with you these past couple of months. Watching you learn how to do things, and then come home and practice your piking and pulling and walking on a balance beam. You have become such an adventurous little water baby, and I love your fearlessness!
While you may not say much, every time a new word comes out of your mouth it is absolutely delightful!
Your love of puppies is absolutely the sweetest thing I've witnessed. You just fall to pieces whenever you see a dog, and I'm so glad that Bella is finally warming up to you a bit.
You just started hugging me and daddy, and we love it so much, we wish we could have enjoyed these snuggles for even longer. Please know it will never get old, and we will always love it when you climb onto us and say "awww" and snuggle in for a cuddle.
- Your dad and I were always afraid that having a baby would change our relationship. Well, it did, but if anything, it made me love and respect him even more. Watching your relationship has been so amazing to see. Your bedtime routine that only daddy can do just right, and how excited you get when we're on a walk and he comes home for the day.
We have so many special things that we do with you. Smush kisses, 1...2...3...weee, Daddy pretending you're flying away, back flips off of us, the PJ Masks song, your constant adorable babbling and chattering in the car, every song we've made up related to diaper changes, sleeping, when your tummy hurts, bath time, oh so many songs we sing with you.
I'm so thankful that I decided to spend this time with you and stay home, I will never ever regret it for a second. There are times when we are both peering out the window at 5 o'clock wondering where daddy is, but this has been the best job I could ever have. Plus, I'm still getting to teach you every single day!
There are so many things, sweet Gracie girl, that we want you to remember from this short but precious time when you were our one and only, so I hope you know that even if you don't remember, we always will. We feel so blessed and absolutely love that our family is going to grow by one more, and that you'll have a sister, but know that we really loved this time, too. It's made us see just how amazing life can be, and we have you to thank for that!
